The Bird (not quite Hitchcock, but still)

Ø   Nearly assaulted by a frick'n sparrow –

That’s right, I was nearly assaulted by a damn little bird !  He was haul’n ass, I mean really frick'n moving, in that “no wing flapping just aerodynamic beak extended darting on a bead line” kinda way, right under my chin! Christ if he’d hit me I have no doubt his pointy little beak would have stabbed right into my jugular vein and I’d have died twitching on the ground in my backyard flapping in spasms just like the little bird stuck in my neck. And if it didn’t quite kill me dead, it most certainly would have caused some type of nerve damage to my neck that would likely have triggered paralysis from my neck down rendering me immobile for life (except for the aid of a cool little hover-round scooter device). Or, if not paralyzed, then certainly knocked unconscious for some time due to the severe impact and blunt force. Like getting hit with a high-inside-fastball to the noggin, or chin, or neck.

This little bastard literally buzzed right under my chin as I’m walking down the sidewalk, at a quick clip mind you (it was a chilly morning just at sunrise, low light and brisk out) so I had some momentum and a little speed in my step too. So if he hits me, multiply his speed by my speed and we’re talking an epic collision. BAAAAAAM ! 

I shit you not, I felt the air as he blew past me. I did one of those whatthefuck headjerks where your peripheral vision and a sort of sonic hearing thing warns you to duck and cover. A spontaneous head and neck snap, with a slight backward and up neck twist, supper fast, like in the Matrix (cause after that you recall it in some surreal supper slow-mo.  Whhhhhiiiiiiizzzzzzzzz, sssshhhhhhhhhssssss, wwhhhhooooouuuuuuu, sssssssssss – that’s the slow motion sound effect as the bird rockets past.)

After the close call I start thinking  - “was that an intentional warning fly-by” (again, like a pitcher throwing the high and tight fast ball to give warning and intimidate). “Was the stupid thing just flying so fast, simply fat and happy in the new day, with his eyes closed enjoying the moment, that it never even saw me at all”? “What would that dumb bird think if he’d hit me and he finds himself stuck like a dart in a human”? “Maybe he’d drop dead from the impact and I’d be laying there dead or unconscious too, and when we were discovered they’d look at the morbid scene with confusion and horror”? “What if he went right through me like a gunshot”? “How fast does a bird fly”? “The irony, J-Bird killed by a bird”. Your mind wanders and thinks all kinds of strange things when you almost die!

Now, I stop and look both ways before I step out into my backyard and walk down the sidewalk gauntlet of sparrows, chickadees and wrens, beastly creatures all.