Ø I knew I was in for one of those days – A Christmas Story
It started with a stubbed pinkie-toe on the bedpost, in the dark, of a very early and cold morning. I held back the welling profanity at my lips because everyone else was still asleep. A few crippled steps later and I step in some wet slimy stuff (that turns out be dog puke I find out once I turn a light on and go back to check) and now I do swear and storm into the bathroom. I clean up after the pet, get myself ready for the rest of the day totally aware of these signs and expecting more to come. Today is my Karma payback day no fucking doubt about it. So on it goes: take the dogs out for their morning break and the screen door slams me in the elbow “funny bone”, it wasn’t in the least bit funny, and I swear again startling the dogs now a tangle in their leashes around my feet. It’s freezing outside (and still dark) and they seem to take forever to pee. Back inside and during breakfast, I drop the sugar spoon into my Cream-o-wheat and it splashes onto my work shirt. The smoke alarm begins to scream at an ear piercing level damn near rendering me immobile wincing in some weird mind-melding torture, and its going off because I’m burning my toast! Seems I must have bumped the setting knob from my perfect toast setting of 3-dash all the way to 7-dash-dash (as high as the thing goes – why? Why a 7 dash dash setting at all, hell it burns at 5-dash-dash, what the world is the reason for those other extreme settings – arson maybe?) By the time I get around to eating, every things cold – and its cold outside, and dark, because it’s still early. Now I’m wondering, actually thinking carefully and seriously, if this is some omen and I should just take my ass back to bed. Really, what next, was it even safe to try to go to work? But was it safe to stay home? Shit can happen anywhere, anytime. I decide to head to work. Everything is hunky-dory until I’m almost there. When, CRUNCH ! I get rear ended sitting at the last stoplight before getting to our work parking lot (that parking lot is a freaking hazard too, but that’s another story for a different day). I pull over and the car behind me follows along and I can see there’s some damage to the headlight and hood of this little black car. Then I notice the big white decal or painting on the hood – the Batman logo! The windows of the little car are darkened and I can’t see in, but I’m fuming and pissed, but kind of amused at the little “Batmobile” sitting there crunched. I’m already late and now this, what a screwed up day, how much more can I take, I’m sure to be dead before the end of it at this rate! I get out and still no sign of movement inside the other car, and now I’m getting even more steamed because I have to go back to this guy? He’s not getting out? WTF? I take a glance at my rear bumper and it is fine, a big somewhat rusty, heavy steel solid bumper. A bumper that is a real bumper. A bumper that stops shit. A hit me at your own risk bumper. Just as I’m getting to his hood, checking out his poor busted headlight, smashed plastic grill, dented hood crumpled just to the edge of the Batman logo, the door begins to open slowly and the loud Christmas music is pouring out and a large hand grabs the top of the door jam, and out comes a very rotund, apologizing but smiling, happy round faced black dude wearing a Santa suit ! Now I am smiling and assuring him there is nothing at all wrong with my car, apologizing to him for what has happened, refusing to let him call in the accident since there is no damage to my car and he’s worried about a ticket and his insurance. He tells me he’s on his way to Walmart, he explains to tend the Salvation Army kettle and ring his bell for the day. As I help him back into his car and he’s telling me “bless you” and “Merry Christmas”, I realize this is one of the coolest moments and experiences I’ve had and how my day had just become “one of those days”, one I’ll never forget and one I’ll tell about the rest of my life!
Holy Holly Berries Batman, Santa is a jolly black dude that drives a Hyundai Batmobile!
Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays !
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